Each year when my family gets together for the 4th of July my friend Matt and I are inevitably designated official instigators of pyrotechnics and every year as we light the fireworks and run for our lives I am surprised at the inappropriate and pointless names concocted for these things. “Purple Haze,” “Jump Jive and Jam,” and “Pretty Little Boat” were some of the names I encountered this year. What in the world those names have to do with chunks of incendiary chemicals flying through the air is beyond me. Somehow “Peony Shower” just sounds more like potpourri than a product designed to explode in front of my family. I have concluded that the fireworks industry must be very stable. Americans are always going to buy fireworks and, being Americans, all we really care about is the size of the package.
If fireworks manufacturers had to really market these things, I suspect we’d see some much more dangerous sounding names. Each 4th of July I start thinking of names I would use if I were trying to sell fireworks. Here is this year’s list of names guaranteed to boost sales to teenage males:

• Severe Tire Damage
  
• Uninsurable
  
• Satan’s Flatulence
  
• IED
  
• Cauterization
  
• “Hey y’all, watch this”
  
• White Phosphorus
  
• Pointy Pointy Shrapnel