I'm in Atlanta this week for E-Rate training. What is E-Rate? My initial response (and that of most E-Rate coordinators I know) is “Be glad you don't know.” It is a bane, a thorn in our collective side (and other discreet anatomical locations), a burden, a bureaucratic morass, and a real BEAR (Billed Entity Application for Reimbursement, an E-Rate coordinator inside joke).
You know those seemingly hundreds of little charges on your phone bill that the phone companies go out of their way not to explain? Well look at your bill and you’ll probably see that one of them is called USAC (Universal Service Administrative Company). All the USAC charges go into a pot and schools and libraries can request reimbursement from that fund to help pay for telecommunications and internet costs. Depending on the percentage of students on the free and reduced lunch program in the service area, E-Rate could pay 20-90% of a school or library's telcom bills.
The catch is that while they take in between two and three billion dollars a year they receive requests for about four billion so a great deal of thought and effort seem to have been spent in making the application process as pointless, complicated, and painful as humanly possible. E-Rate paperwork makes tax forms look reasonable.
Of course you can’t just file an application. You file an intent to open bids for service, then after a certain amount of time you file an application. Then you are bombarded with the most asinine and nitpicky questions imaginable by a low level demonic entity who works for PIA (Program Integrity Assurance or as I like to think of it Process of Increasing Annoyance). My personal theory is that if they deny enough applications they get to trade in their nerf pitchforks for real ones. A typical call from PIA goes something like this:
You know those seemingly hundreds of little charges on your phone bill that the phone companies go out of their way not to explain? Well look at your bill and you’ll probably see that one of them is called USAC (Universal Service Administrative Company). All the USAC charges go into a pot and schools and libraries can request reimbursement from that fund to help pay for telecommunications and internet costs. Depending on the percentage of students on the free and reduced lunch program in the service area, E-Rate could pay 20-90% of a school or library's telcom bills.
The catch is that while they take in between two and three billion dollars a year they receive requests for about four billion so a great deal of thought and effort seem to have been spent in making the application process as pointless, complicated, and painful as humanly possible. E-Rate paperwork makes tax forms look reasonable.
Of course you can’t just file an application. You file an intent to open bids for service, then after a certain amount of time you file an application. Then you are bombarded with the most asinine and nitpicky questions imaginable by a low level demonic entity who works for PIA (Program Integrity Assurance or as I like to think of it Process of Increasing Annoyance). My personal theory is that if they deny enough applications they get to trade in their nerf pitchforks for real ones. A typical call from PIA goes something like this:
PIA: For Funding Request Number ***** the contract end date listed is (insert date). I just need you to fax me the contract with your service provider showing that date along with sizable blood and tissue samples from yourself and all members of your immediate family.
Me: Yes. I tried to explain this last time. You see, it’s an open-ended contract and there is no specified end date, but at the time we first filed a form for this service provider, you required an end date so we provided an arbitrary one and you said that was sufficient. In subsequent years, you changed the requirements. What do I need to do to stipulate that it’s open-ended? I have lots of documentation from the service provider explaining the situation. Could I perhaps send that along with the soul of a FedEx driver we cornered in cataloging?
PIA: Great, so if you’ll just fax the contract showing that end date we’ll get right to ignoring it. Do you need an extension?
Me: Wait. You see, the contract…it…you…oh, never mind. Yes, I need an extension please.
PIA: OK, I’ll call you back the day after the deadline.
Me: When exactly is the deadline?
PIA: It’s listed online.
Me: Could you be a little more specific?
PIA: You go to the main USAC page, then click on Applications and enter your 87 digit application number. Then click on Deadlines, then Arbitrary, then Convoluted, then Kobayashi Moru. It will then prompt you to enter the application date after which it will generate a random date that isn't the real deadline, but gives you false sense of accomplishment. That’s really not necessary though. You can calculate the deadline yourself by adding 28, 29, 340, or negative 8 days to the application date.
Me: Which number of days do I use for this application?
PIA: Great, I’ll be looking for that contract then. Oh, and I see you’ve also been awarded an audit this year. The auditor for your region, a Mr. Torquemada, will be contacting you soon. Please have all paperwork for the last five years, including credit card applications you received in the mail, available when he arrives.
Me: But…
PIA: Do you need any MORE assistance? [maniacal laughter]
Me: Um, no, thank you.
If you survive PIA and actually get approved, you then have to file another form within so many days, and yet another form twice a year to get the money. I won't even go into the required Technology Plans.
Well, this post was actually fun to write and they frown on that sort of thing so I’d better get back to the ninth circle of training.
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